Willand vs. Cribbs FC
“The development of full artificial intelligence could spell the end of the human race.” Stephen Hawking
When Professor Hawking made the quote in 2014, more than 30 years after The Terminator’s release, one can only speculate as to whether he had visited a Blockbuster liquidation sale.
Pop culture has pushed The Terminator film into a singular quoted memory for multiple generations, but the film remains a timeless exploration of technology, fate, and the human condition, telling the story of a powerful artificial intelligence called Skynet, originally created as a defence system, as it gains sentience and perceives humanity as a threat to its existence.
To prevent being shut down, Skynet launches a nuclear war, wiping out much of humanity and launching the survivors into a post-apocalyptic world.
Imagine Stoke with investment.
It’s not the first example of the dangers of AI that have entered human discord, and as far back as 1968, HAL issued an early warning as to the dangers of AI surpassing human control, and the immaculately titled ‘Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?’ established an insight into the eradication of human life for self-preservation.
The history of artificial intelligence began in the 1950s, and early AI focused on rule-based systems, symbolic reasoning, and problem-solving, such as John Searles seminal work ‘Beer cans and Meat Machines’.
AI really took off in the 1990s and early 2000s when stories jumped from the pages of ‘Science Weekly’ to mainstream media with systems like IBM’s Deep Blue showcasing AI’s potential as it defeated chess grandmaster Garry Kasparov and the introduction into our homes of virtual assistants like Siri and Alexa, and more recently, degree denigrator Chat GPT.
Football hasn’t escaped the onslaught of artificial intelligence, with its coverage advancing rapidly since the early 2000s. Performance analytics systems like Opta and Prozone began offering teams tactical insights, while the rise of wearable technology left mercurial players with nowhere to hide in post-match debriefs.
And, of course, there was the introduction of the Video Assistant Referee.
Pierluigi Collina, Italian icon and current Chairman of FIFA’s Referees Committee, once stated that ‘the objective of VAR is not to achieve 100% accuracy in every decision but to avoid clear and obvious mistakes that affect the outcome of the game.’, but its track record is as inconsistent as Wellington’s Floodlights.
Take the 2019 Champions League showdown between Tottenham and Manchester City. VAR gave the thumbs down to Sterling’s last-minute goal while its thumb was stuck somewhere decidedly darker when Llorente practically picked the ball up on route to his own scoring exploits.
Or VAR ignoring a perfectly legitimate Sheffield United goal, ignoring a faux pas from its technological teammate, goal-line technology, collectively morphing from state of the art to Art Nouveau, embracing curves like a Gaudí masterpiece.
These examples, along with countless others, may dominate the back pages of the Sunday papers and linger in our collective memories, but they merely scratch the surface of why fans despise the new technology. Goal celebrations have lost their spontaneous joy, with players and fans now obliged to cast an anxious eye towards the referee as he waits for confirmation from the never-present VAR, while supporters are still in the stadiums at 5 p.m. as they wave goodbye to their ticketed trains.
Thankfully, AI hasn’t reached the realms of non-league football—yet—allowing us to enjoy the game’s unrefined essence until the inevitable onslaught of progress arrives at Silver Street.
David Steele welcomed new signing Jordan Lamb to a changed lineup, which also included recalls for Josh Searle, Jake Miller, and captain Owen Howe as the Whites looked to bounce back from their recent cup exploits.
The opposition came in the form of Cribbs FC, who find themselves at the wrong end of the Southern League after an eventful summer that saw their manager and a number of regulars move on to Taunton and whose only league win came on the opening weekend.
It’s generally considered good form in a match report to address the action in at least the general order in which it occurred on the pitch, but history should tell you that convention was never a pressing concern.
Indeed, the entire match could effortlessly be broken down into three crucial episodes, a combined seven-minute spectacle: one at the kickoff and another at the finale of each half, with the rest of the game resembling filler data in an AI model—processed but ultimately irrelevant to the outcome.
Episode one saw the onset of immediate fireworks. Just three minutes in, Lamb found space down the left flank, worked the ball well, and the eventual cross was met by Dorothy with a thunderous header that gave Johnson in the Cribbs goal no chance.
The second episode came just before the break, with Owen Howe picking up a loose ball before pinging a powerful shot from 20 yards into the bottom corner.
Half Time – Willand 2 – Cribbs FC 0
In the best tradition of all good dramas, the third episode was a two-parter, with the au d’oeuvre being a well-taken goal for substitute Sully in the 87th minute, who took advantage of a loose ball in the box to slot home and extend Willand’s lead.
The main course and finale came three minutes into stoppage time, when River Allen delivered a moment of pure magic—a stunning shot from just inside the Cribbs half that sailed over the keeper’s head and into the net. It was a goal that will be talked about for seasons to come, a fitting capstone on a masterful performance.
The three-episode narrative is, of course, a dramatic interlude, and nothing should be taken away from George Burton, who made some saves that were as impressive as they were important, or the back four, who were marshalled magnificently by the MOTM Jamie Richards.
But if I were to ask AI how they would summarise the game… well, let’s ask
‘The match ended 4-0 to Willand, highlighted by Allen’s breathtaking goal, a fitting finale to a stellar performance.’
Full Time – Willand 4 – Cribbs FC 0
