Category: Club events

Willand vs Melksham

There was a rumour this week that Willand were looking for a new match reporter. Much to the disappointment of many, news of my demise was greatly exaggerated.

Somewhat embarrassingly, it was me who started the rumour.

It happened because I forgot to add a word. A simple three letters that changed the meaning of a tweet by 180 degrees.

I wrote ‘Sadly, the team are looking for a new match reporter.’

The word I missed was ‘not’.

For a bestselling author, who has a new book out on the 10th November (available for pre-order from Amazon!), this was quite the embarrassment. So I checked. And it was a minor faux pas compared to other wordy mistakes.

In 1631, the King’s printers produced a Bible in which the Seventh Commandment read ‘Thou shalt commit adultery.’ Same missing word. They were fined £300 and stripped of their printing licence, and most of the copies were destroyed. But for a while some Knights were longer than others.

And then in 1962, NASA had to blow up its own Venus probe minutes after launch. The cause was an error in the guidance code, blamed on a missing hyphen. The bill came to $18.5 million, and Arthur C. Clarke called it the most expensive hyphen in history. Mine has cost me nothing but my dignity, which was thankfully already in short supply.

And in 2015, Companies House left one letter off the end of a name. Instead of recording that Taylor & Son had gone bust, it recorded Taylor & Sons, a perfectly healthy 124-year-old Welsh engineering firm. The firm collapsed, and the taxpayer picked up a bill of around £9 million.

So in the grand scheme of things, one missing ‘not’ in a tweet about Willand Rovers barely registers. Which, now I think about it, was also true of the tweet.

But I’m still here. Although given the weather on Saturday I might have been better unemployed.

Before the visit of Portland to Oakfield Stadium on Tuesday, Saturday’s opponents, Melksham Town, hadn’t scored in their previous four games, and had managed a grand total of 5 league goals for the season. That they put 6 (six) past Portland tells you more about this league than any match report I could muster, and they came to Silver Street with their tails up and confidence somewhat regained. Ben Watson mixed his squad around again following the midweek win over Honiton, and the damply enthusiastic supporters, including a noisy contingent from Wiltshire, took cover where they could in conditions that could only be described as wetter than an otter’s pocket.

It was tough to see too much through the driving rain, but it would be fair to say that the first half was end to end. Which is a polite way of saying nobody could finish. Bown had the first chance of the game, finding himself one on one with Clark, who palmed his shot round the post. Melksham then had a good spell, with Seedhouse being called into action on several occasions. Jaiyeoba then decided to try to outrun the rain, galloping half the length of the pitch, only to see Seedhouse block that too.

But it was Rovers who grew into the game. A Melksham defender cleared one off the line by a whisker. My notes then say that Collins hit the post from a corner. Quite the trick considering he was sat on the bench, but I’ll blame rain blindness for that one. Dorothy curled one just over. Another goalmouth scramble ended with Jackson and a Melksham player in a heap as the ball was hacked off the line again.

The most dramatic moment of the half came when Melksham’s VEO camera was taken out. A combination of an overzealous tackle and a north-westerly brought play to a halt while several officials recreated the famous Iwo Jima photo, trying to re-erect the green pole.

Half time – Willand 0 – Melksham 0

With the weather showing slight improvement, Willand continued in the ascendancy, and while things got a little feisty and the referee had to step in, the interlude at least warmed everyone up.

Bateson had a good chance early on, the keeper saving a well-placed shot around the post.

The breakthrough came on 65 minutes. Kempster was on the score sheet again, all but passing the ball into the corner of the net past a static Clark in the Melksham goal.

Five minutes later Jaiyeoba was sent off for the visitors, a second yellow card in controversial circumstances. The Melksham man was convinced he’d been fouled for a penalty; the referee saw it differently and showed a second yellow for simulation.

Rovers pushed for a second, and it came with ten minutes left. A Rovers corner, a punch from Clark that didn’t go anywhere near far enough, and Bateson followed up to put it away.

Three points, a clean sheet, and Willand are still not looking for a new match reporter. I checked. Twice.

Full Time – Willand 2 – Melksham 0

Willand vs Honiton

I had the pleasure of watching Crewe this week as they made a rare foray into the South West. It wasn’t all good for the Railwaymen though as they suffered their first defeat of the season. Not that I’ll let any of that influence this report of course….

It was all change for Willand as they entertained Peninsula opposition Honiton Town in the St Luke’s Cup and Ben Watson took the opportunity to switch up the pack, including a debut for goalkeeper Harley Wilkinson and the return of a familiar face in Ashton Hewitt.

Willand came into the game looking for a confidence boost after not winning any of the last six matches, while the Hippos, having made a solid start to their season, were keen to test themselves against higher opposition.

It was Willand who came out of the sidings quickest, Dorothy sending Ayunga through on five minutes, only for him to pull his shot wide from a good position. Four minutes later it was the same timetable: Dorothy again provided the express delivery, and the effort went high and wide. And so the theme of the game was set.

Honiton’s first chance came on ten minutes when the winger robbed an over-ambitious Thomas, who recovered well to snuff it out. On 20 minutes Sellick had a chance to open the scoring with a free header from a free kick but directed it straight at Wilkinson, who was enjoying a fairly untroubled start to his maiden journey.

At the other end Hewitt and Reay, the engine room of the team, were winning the midfield battles, but Willand’s policy of shooting anywhere but on target was becoming a regular service.

On 33 minutes Dorothy rushed past the Honiton keeper, only to be poleaxed by O’Callaghan. Yellow card.

Then, on the stroke of half time, Honiton went off the rails. Joe Chambo, already booked, appeared to kick out in full view of the referee, and was shown a second yellow, shunting the Hippos into the second half with ten men.

Half Time – Willand 0 – Honiton 0

The second half was full steam ahead for Willand, but they found O’Callaghan in inspired form. On 54 minutes Williams was slipped through but was denied by a great save. On 59 minutes Jackson tried to curl one in and was met by another diving stop. At 66 minutes Dorothy chested the ball down and stung the keeper’s hands, and a minute after that Bateson missed a header from inside the six-yard box. And it went on for most of the half, with Wilkinson very much a passenger.

With Willand ruing the chances and the timetable running out, penalties looked inevitable until Rooke struck a shot in the 86th minute which left the keeper stationary as it bulleted into the top corner.

Honiton’s evening then derailed completely. Pearson was shown a second yellow on 87 minutes, for something off the ball that much of the standing room only crowd missed, and the Hippos were reduced to nine men.

Willand kept chugging forward, and but for a fantastic double save from O’Callaghan, it could have been more.

In the end Willand managed another late goal. Good work from Camara on the left set up Bateson to slot under the keeper and punch Willand’s ticket to the next round.

It was a game where Willand should have won by more, but Honiton won’t feel they were in any way second class. Willand’s finishing still needs some engineering, but after six games without a win, at least they’re back on the right track.

Next stop: Melksham at home on Saturday.

Twenty One, in case you were counting

Choo Choo!

Full Time – Willand 2 – Honiton 0

Willand vs Barnstaple

What’s the worst film you’ve ever watched? For me it’s an easy shout – the first in the trilogy of the new 28 Years Later. Maybe not the worst film in terms of storyline or acting, but when you take into account the anticipation of the continuation of the ’28 Days’ series after so many years, then you have a dud I’m afraid, and a grade A dud at that.

Conversely, the number one film on my list was the start of a dynasty that quickly went south. Planet of the Apes.

Not the recent reboots. Definitely not the Tim Burton re-imagination (although now I’ve reminded myself of that I might have to reconsider my earlier choice!).

The 1968 original was in many ways Star Wars before Star Wars, and should probably hold a place in the human zeitgeist for the same reasons. Revolutionary special effects? Check. A story that held a mirror up to the racism that still plagued large parts of the world at the time? Absolutely. A nod to the role that religion played in society at the time? They prayed to an atomic bomb.

And of course the final scene. Charlton Heston on his knees in front of a destroyed Statue of Liberty, as he realised that he hadn’t travelled through space, simply through time. As he shouted the line “We finally really did it. You maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!” he wasn’t talking about the apes.

Unfortunately, some of the furore that erupted following the film was focused not on the world leaders who were dancing on the tightrope of the Cold War, but rather on the use of the phrase ‘God damn’, which was still seen as an affront to both religious groups and profanity laws.

Best films and worst films are easy though. But what about the middle ground? Films that are so bad they are good.

It’s a peculiar phenomenon, the “so bad it’s good” movie. It requires a rare alignment of the cinematic stars where absolute incompetence meets unbridled sincerity. True “so bad it’s good” cinema started as an accidental masterpiece. In 1959 Ed Wood made ‘Plan 9 from Outer Space’. He didn’t set out to make a joke; he genuinely believed he was crafting a sci-fi epic on par with the greats. Instead, he gave us cardboard tombstones that wobbled when actors walked past, visible pie tins acting as UFOs, and a plot so nonsensical it defies gravity.

Yet you can’t help but love it, and today this accidental brilliance has spawned an entire sub-culture. The modern landscape is littered with intentional trash – the Zombeavers and Llamageddons of the world. Born out of a cynical marketing boardroom, weaponising irony for a quick buck. They are in on the joke. And that makes them all the more watchable.

When you watch a standard blockbuster, you know exactly where the plot beats will land. When you watch a grade-A disaster, you have absolutely no idea what baffling decision the director will make next.

Reminds me of football.

Willand’s midweek visitors to Silver Street came in the guise of Devon contemporaries Barnstaple Town. Barum have had a difficult start to the season since their promotion, and came into the game with four losses from their last five games and sitting in the bottom four.

Willand themselves were looking to bounce back from defeat to league leaders Swindon and, possibly more importantly, show an improvement on the performance.

And it was the home team that started well, with a loping run from Kempster in the opening minutes leading to nothing, before Dorothy found himself just the wrong side of offside minutes later.

But the game quickly broke down into a battle of the long ball, and aside from two excellent runs down the left from Williams, both resulting in crosses that deserved better, there was little to note from either team.

Dorothy was faring well against a tall back line, winning a number of headers and holding up the ball well, but the midfield were spending more time looking up than playing through balls.

The first card of the game was shown in the 20th minute, the Barnstaple full back stopping a mazy run from Morgan, albeit in a very small maze.

The visitors came into the game after surviving the tempest in a teapot and came close in the 20th minute, a looping free kick into the heart of the Willand defence, the free header being directed past the far post.

Another chance came soon after, Rogers the beneficiary at the end of a game of ping pong in the home penalty box, only to see his shot travel over the bar and towards Uffculme.

The pressure continued without troubling Seedhouse-Evans in the Willand goal, and it fell upon another Willand defensive error to assist with the first goal.

What should have been a routine header back to the keeper from Thomas landed short, and Seedhouse-Evans could do nothing as Parry took the ball a long way around him before placing it in the empty net.

Not helping the cause, Baxter was substituted in the 38th minute, an injury forcing the introduction of McIver-Redwood.

In the end the first half was relatively even, but in the same way that Jaws 3 and Sharknado 5 are even. Even doesn’t always equal good.

Half time – Willand 0 Barnstaple 1

Willand started the second half well, Kempster turning sharply in the box without troubling the keeper, and multiple shots were forged without ever being directed towards the goal. After this brief cameo of what Willand can actually do, the home fans were soon back to watching long balls getting kicked into corners and longer throws being easily dealt with.

Ten minutes into the half, Ben Watson made some additional changes, Horn and Bateson replacing Williams and Ford, but unlike Saturday, when a change in formation galvanised the Whites, any plans were scuppered when McIver-Redwood was forced off with what looked like a painful ankle injury.

Barnstaple thought they had won a penalty in the 70th minute, but the referee had seen a dive and booked the opposition forward. Frustration was starting to spill over from the fans to the players, and with discipline ebbing away, the visitors extended their lead in the 77th minute.

Willand gave away a needless free kick, which was again hit into the heart of the penalty box, where it was met with the outstretched boot of Parry, who placed a delightful shot over Seedhouse-Evans for his second of the game.

The closing stages of the game at least saw a new tactic from the home team, the ‘shoot from anywhere’ method, which, while giving some hope to the home fans, never seemed to trouble the scorekeeper, with defenders’ legs and the goalkeeper’s arm doing a sterling job of keeping the ball at bay until the referee called time.

It was clear to those in attendance that the script hadn’t really been updated since Saturday, and what ensued was a sequel that wasn’t quite up to the standards of the original.

Two home defeats in a week is a hard pill to swallow, but with the inevitable next instalment around the corner, it might be time to start thinking of The Godfather rather than Scary Movie.

Full time – Willand 0 Barnstaple 2

Willand vs Swindon Supermarine
Jeffrey Archer died last week. Lord Archer was a polarising figure, which is being generous
to both poles.
On one hand, he was an old-school Tory who perjured himself in court and went to prison for
it. His lies dragged in newspapers, a woman he swore he’d never met, and the friends he
asked to cover for him. It all happened at a time when a politician lying under oath could still
shock people. Before it became what we all expected.
On the other hand, he wrote possibly the greatest book I’ve ever read. Kane and Abel is a
masterpiece. Two men are born on the same day in 1906, half a world apart. William Kane is
born into a Boston banking fortune. Abel Rosnovski is born into nothing in the Polish forests
and claws his way to America and a hotel empire. They spend their lives trying to destroy
each other, and they never quite understand that they’re the same man.
The point is that people can be both. It’s Schrödinger’s cat, except you open the box and the
cat is still both Tom and Garfield.
Football is full of examples of this duality. Matt Le Tissier could lay claim to being the most
gifted English footballer ever to cross the white line. His views on the white lines in the sky
are a different matter. He recently spent an evening arguing with an AI chatbot about plane
trails. The chatbot won.
Eric Cantona turned Manchester United into a dynasty, and he also once kung-fu kicked a
man in the crowd at Selhurst Park.
The best example of all is Diego Maradona at the 1986 World Cup. He punched the ball past
Peter Shilton, then four minutes later beat half the England team to score what might be the
greatest goal ever scored. The worst and best of a man, in the same half, against the same
opposition. You’d struggle to write it. Although Archer would have tried.
I’ve gone a bit off topic. Which ironically is the topic.
When I started writing match reports for Willand a few seasons ago, I did so based on the
assumption that no-one would read them. It turns out that I do have a single digit following,
but my ethos remained that if I was going to do this, I’d do it differently. While not forsaking
the traditional ‘Nicky Wroe to Tom Bradshaw’ (bonus points if you get that reference), I
decided to wrap the match reports up in a veneer of self-indulgence. Why talk about the
opening shot on goal when you can instead discuss politics, music, cartoons and
philosophy? And it worked.
A best selling book later and it could be argued that Willand Rovers have the best match
reports in Non-League football.
Of course it could also be argued that Willand Rovers have the worst match reports in Non-
League football.
It was pointed out this week that people have to scroll down a thousand times before they
get to the football. It’s a fair comment (although you could just enjoy the rest!) but the point is

that you can enjoy my match reports or they can drive you to distraction. Both are valid
responses. I’ll carry on writing them until I’m told not to, and hopefully you’ve enjoyed this
one so far. But if not…..
THIS IS THE MATCH REPORT
In an ironic twist of coincidence, on the day that my true footballing love Crewe Alexandra
visited Swindon Town, the visitors to my adopted team came in the shape of Swindon
Supermarine.
Marine came into the game top of the table, despite losing 2 of their last 3 games, cementing
what a solid start to the season the Wiltshire team has enjoyed.
For Willand the game came off the back of a run of three games without a victory and
looking to regain their own early season form.
It was the visitors who started strongest with Seedhouse-Evans gathering Dan Warre’s sixth-
minute effort at the second attempt, before he comfortably stopped an effort from Hall. The
home side set their stall out early with long balls into the corners, but it was a counter attack
that gave them the best early chance when good work down the right ended with Bateson
flashing his shot just wide of the post.
The visitors took the lead on 18 minutes, Lynch left unmarked between the centre-backs
before he slid home a cross from the right under Seedhouse-Evans. Willand responded well
and almost replied immediately. Bateson’s header forced Halliday to spill the ball before he
recovered it well.
In a game of few chances the referee started to miss some tackles that on another day may
have drawn a whistle, while fouls were starting to be given based on volume of shouting and
ability to fall-and-roll, placing additional pressure on the officiating team.
Half-time – Willand 0 – Swindon 1
The second half was barely two minutes old when another defensive error punished the
home team. To the catercalls of the home fans who had seen a foul throw that both the
linesman and I missed, two players went for a looping ball, only to place it directly into the
path of Warre who made it 2–0.
Changes from the Willand bench seemed to revitalise the home team, along with a change
in formation, perhaps helped by a perceived injustice when a clash involving Lewis Morgan
brought in both benches, with Morgan seeing a yellow card while the Willand assistant
manager was sent off.
From there the pressure built. Dorothy’s flick set up Maciver-Redwood, who stepped past
his man and drove the ball across the box, but Halliday tipped it behind. From the corner, the
ball dropped to Rooke, who couldn’t work room for a shot. To the home fans, Halliday’s goal
was leading a charmed life, while the Supermarine fans would point to some resolute
defending. As discussed, both things can be true at the same time.

With four minutes left, Willand’s handball appeals were turned down when the ball struck a
Swindon arm in the box, with even the away fans unsure how a spot kick hadn’t been
awarded.
The away fans behind Seedhouse-Evans goal should have had a third to cheer in the 89th
minute as Supermarine staged their own break, with only an excellent save from the Willand
number one, and a Partridge miss from a few feet out preventing the celebrations.
The fact that the chance came from a Willand attacking throw in sums up the game well.
It’s clear to see why Swindon top the league. What they lacked in quality on the day they
more than made up for in grit, determination and team spirit.
For Willand the lessons are clear. You can’t win football games if you give goals away.
Those things can never be true at the same time.
Full time – Willand 0 – Swindon 2

Join us at Silver Street this Saturday when we take on Swindon Supermarine

🕒 3pm KO

🎟️ Adults £12 Concessions £8, 16-18’s £5 under 16’s £2