Willand vs. Bristol Manor Farm
During the early days of the Covid pandemic, Simon Harris, then Ireland’s Minister for Health, made a curious mistake during a radio interview. Unaware that the “19” refers to the year of discovery rather than the enumeration, he asserted that there had been 18 previous coronaviruses before COVID-19.
Being stuck at home with COVID for the past week got me thinking about names and how easy they are to misinterpret. I found a strange parallel to something I’d seen years ago on The Detectives, a British sitcom starring Jasper Carrott. In one episode, the show’s characters struggle to recall the second parts of football team names, such as “City,” “United,” “Town,” and so on, confusing their origins in their typical bumbling way.
The humour in both Harris’ gaffe and the TV show revolves around how the etymology of names, whether they’re for diseases or football clubs, can be easily misunderstood yet are inevitably deeply rooted in history and meaning. As I sat in my fever-induced isolation, I found myself pondering not only the names of football teams, but also the meaning of the names we take for granted every Saturday afternoon.
Fair warning here. With Netflix complete and under the spectre of having to watch Loose Women, I decided to play the game for myself.
If you want to try for yourself (and I can confirm that it’s as equally frustrating as it is exhilarating), then take a pause.
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Elevated by Lemsip and extra paracetamol. I began by focusing on the obvious, and once I eliminated City and Town from my list, my attention shifted to the team that confounded Detectives Briggs and Louis. They were also the only other team whose heritage I actually knew, the one named after Princess Alexandra of Denmark in 1877.
Dons and North End were quickly added to my list as I thought they might catch me out if I didn’t get them while I remembered, and United were also added because, well, it’s United.
A solid start with six team names crossed off, but then a decision to be made. In my fevered state, I feared that the scattergun approach, writing names down as they appeared to me, might not be the nominal approach, so instead I took a turn down the geographic route.
Argyle and Rovers were quickly dispatched before I took a virtuous drive down the M4 and headed towards the capital. Rangers were secured along with Athletic, Orient, Palace, and a last-minute Hotspurs before I ignored the rest of the East and headed back to my roots, picking up County and Forest on route. Wanderers followed by Albion and Villa raised my tally to a game 18 (and the realisation that I had no idea what the actual total was).
The route up the M5 proved less fruitful, and as my mind drove through Lancashire’s City’s and United’s, I started to wonder if the task had been a lot simpler than the BBC detectives had made it out to be.
Cumbria bore no fruit; the North East consisted of nothing new, and by the time I’d sidled back past Mansfield, I’d all but started celebrating.
I briefly contemplated Stevenage Borough but quickly decided that they had changed their name in the not too distant past, and Thistle and Morton were quickly dismissed as ‘not of this realm’. A scan of A to Z in my mind produced no revelations, but I couldn’t help but wonder what obvious suffixes I’d missed.
Fortunately, and somewhat surprisingly, my time on task was curtailed by a negative Covid result just in time to make it to the Silver Street for the visit of Bristol Manor Farm (imagine undertaking the task using Non-League football names may be a long-term commitment), and so my quest would have to wait.
The visitors came into the match with an impressive record of 5 wins and 2 draws (an isometrically opposite record to Willand), and the Farmy Army had witnessed 24 goals in the last 3 games, so expectations were high for the visitors.
David Steeles men were coming off the back of another away defeat, but the Willand manager stuck with the same starting eleven, with River Allen still on the bench after his injury.
The game started at a breakneck pace with both teams playing on the front foot, but it was Willand who made the breakthrough in the 18th minute.
The goal was the definition of direct football with panache. Dorothy slid a straight ball between the wrong-footed centre halfs, which Howe took in his stride before placing a shot under the out-rushing Locke in the Manor Farm goal.
The visitors continued to press, looking for a quick equaliser and should have been level in the 24th minute, with Dodimead dancing his way past the Willand defence before pulling the ball back to Britton, whose shot whistled past the apex of the post and crossbar.
The blue tide continued as the game approached halftime, the visitors forcing a number of corners and shots that failed to trouble a resolute Willand defence, but it was the home team who led at the whistle.
Half Time – Willand 1 – Bristol Manor Farm 0
Willand came out strong in the second half and were only denied a second goal in the 52nd minute from an excellent and acrobat goal line clearance, but in the same passage of play were awarded a penalty. Howe stepped up and smashed his shot into the back of the net with his usual aplomb for both his and Willand’s second.
Bristol Manor Farm continued to play with the belief that they could get something from the game, and the pressure eventually paid off in the 74th minute: a simple slide pass inside the full back, a pull back to the edge of the penalty area, and substitute Tate was on hand with a well-placed shot into the bottom corner as Willand’s heart rates began to rise.
With Manor Farm pushing forward, Willand were left to rely on stoic defending and some inaccurate shooting to maintain the lead, and as the clock clicked over the ninety, we saw the unusual sight of the Manor Farm Keeper going up for a corner, an enterprise that ended exactly how you would have imagined.
The endeavour from the visitors was clear to see though, and they pulled the game level with 2 minutes left in injury time, Tate netting his second with a sweetly hit shot that flew past the despairing hand of Burton.
In the end, both teams will be as disappointed as they will be happy with the result. David Steele will doubtless be disappointed that we couldn’t hold on to a two-goal lead, but not with the endeavour that his team showed against excellent opposition, and while the ecstasy of a last-minute goal will linger for the visitors, they may eventually feel the sting of two points lost.
Full Time – Willand 2 – Bristol Manor Farm 2
As for my task, I spent the drive back from Silver Street listening to 5 Live and reimaging my drive around the country, but with no further revelations. In the end, I had to resort to the internet, only to discover that I’d missed three clubs.
Maybe I’ll do better next time.
